英文灌水日记 8月31日

         我早年经历的那些糗事情想必大家早有耳闻，大家听我讲故事应该也听腻了吧，今天我就介绍一下自己的那个.富贵病‘吧。我患抑郁症至少也有七八年了，初次接触这种怪病的我整个人身体都特别难受，但是自从吃药了以后自己控制的还算不错，在这些年里我从来没有停过药，药物虽然会让我睡的像头死猪，以至于不到早上十一二点就算狠狠掐我脖子、捏我屁股都不能把我给弄醒，但是对我读书思考的日常生活并没有太大的影响。也就是说尽管服药，我还是能保持自己思维的连贯、精力的充沛和源源不断的灵感，在较短的周期内完成一篇篇高质量的文章和一曲曲传世之作。我也想过停药，但是将我视为掌上明珠的妈妈坚决反对，她说如果没有得到医生的允许贸然行事，我肯定会吃苦头，讲得更具体点停药后我的大脑结构会发生变化，如果把一个人的大脑比作一个鸡蛋形状的东西，当一个人停药以后他的那个.鸡蛋‘就会瘪下去一块，以至于影响他整个大脑的功能，如果停药后抑郁症再次复发，我就不得不终身服药。

         As my early experiences are no longer new to you and everyone must be tired of it, I am going to introduce my "disease peculiar to the rich" today. It has been seven or eight years since I suffered from depression, I felt every bone in my body aching and every drop of blood clotting when I first contact with this sort of strange disease, but everything was brought under control and I was in a relatively good condition since medicine had been taken, I dare not withdraw from it in these years, although I can't but sleep like a log and am reluctant to rise until 11 or 12am even though I am taken by the throat or pinched on the butt after taking the drugs, it has little effect on my reading and thinking daily life. That is to say, I can keep coherent thinking, abundant energy and get continual inspiration to complete one high-quality article and classic piece of music after another in short cycle, in spite of the fact that I have to swallow the painful pills everyday. The idea, which is firmly opposed by mother, who takes me as the apple of her eye, that I must be cut off from it has constantly occurred to me, mom said it is an irrefutable fact that I will suffer for it if we act rashly without doctor's orders. More specifically, my brain structure will change if I am too hasty to do so, if one's brain is compared to an object of egg shape, one's "egg" sinks in and its function will be further effected when he stops taking the drugs, if I suffer a relapse then, I will have to take medicine for a life time.

        在结缘郁金香以后，我总是从病友口中听说抑郁症有多可怕多可怕的，身患抑郁的人因为无法找到通往快乐的途径满脑子想的就是怎么自杀，太多才华横溢的人被抑郁症夺去了生命：张国荣跳楼了，本兮跳楼了，青年歌唱家杨阳也跳楼了，自从潘多拉盒子打开了以后，抑郁症就为全人类带来了不可估量的损失。但就凭我自己的经验来看，其实抑郁症没啥了不起的，自从得了抑郁症以后，我从一个正常人的负担中释放了出来，没有了朝九晚五工作的羁绊，我可以呆在家里随心所欲地研究自己喜欢的内容、做自己想做的事；没有了父母的催婚，我可以尽情地享受受婚姻羁绊的那些人享受不到的快乐，尽管患病多年，我也并没有恶化到那种一睁眼就看见满地蝎子满地蛇的地步，相反，因为患病，我却有资格向身边的正常人朋友索取照顾和帮助、苛求他们的怜悯，所以讲一句在正常人看来荒唐透顶的话：我不仅没有以抑郁为耻，反而以它为傲——正因为我抑郁，我才能享受正常人享受不到的福利和待遇。

        如果说在身患抑郁以前，我是个成天把自己埋在书堆里、对任何人没有感情的冷血动物，身患抑郁之后我却对这个世界充满了无限的情感。我们知道艺术就是情感的学问，一个没有情感的人即便有再好的技巧也很难成为艺术巨匠，而有情感的人只要稍加锤炼就能摇身变成艺术大师。每当我抑郁的时候，我会把自己的情绪带到创作当中，稍加润色就能谱写出一曲曲华丽优美的篇章，每当我得意洋洋地把自己的成就展示在别人面前，我总能得到所有人的啧啧称赞：.黄越青真是个天才‘、.再努力一把你就能创造出所有人望尘莫及的奇迹‘、.你真的太厉害了‘、.你简直就是我们所有人俯伏膜拜的偶像‘，这些话仿佛是治愈我的良药，它们能让我的抑郁情绪一扫而空，这时我会感觉.正因为自己抑郁内心才能充满了丰富的情感，正因为情感丰富我才能在艺术上取得如此斐然的成就‘，所以每当我向别人介绍起自己的病情时，我都能自豪地宣称.本人是个以忧郁见长的作曲家‘。

        If I could be deemed a cold-blooded animal without human affection to anyone and a bookworm burying myself in books before depression, I became passionate and was full of emotion to the world since suffering from it. We all know that art is an emotional learning, a skilled man without feeling can't turn into an artist no matter how skilled he is, while an emotional man can be easily hammered into a virtuoso. Every time when I was depressive, I brought my emotions into composing activity and with the slightest embellishment a piece of magnificent movement would come out. Everytime when I was triumphant to show my achievement to people around me, I was praise to the skies, "Claudio Huang is a real genius", "one more effort you can create unprecedented miracles", "you are so awful", "you are the idol everyone pay homage to", as if these words are a great healer, they can sweep away all my depressive feelings and give me a sense that "I am overwhelmed with profound sentiments just because I am depressive, it is just because of it that I can achieve brilliant success in art realm", so, every time when I introduce my illness to others, I can declare proudly that "I am a composer noted for melancholy".

        任何一个正常人如果身陷抑郁症的泥潭当中，都会希望自己能快快好起来，回到一个事业有成、家庭美满的健康人状态当中，而我却不然。如果上帝让我许个愿，我一定希望自己的抑郁症永远不会得到治愈，因为一旦治愈，我就必须重新回到正常人的群体当中，跟着他们一起赚钱买房、不断砸钱升级自己的座驾、朝九晚五累死累活地苦几百块钱，而身处抑郁症患者的群体当中，我却能发挥自己的价值：跟他们口若悬河地大谈自己的哲学理念、帮他们写几首以抑郁抒情见长的曲子、在他们中间培养几个天赋秉异的钢琴高手。抑郁症是一种富贵病，也就是说当一个人不愁吃不愁喝以后，他就会开始思考人生的意义，想着想着就钻进死胡同里面了，不知不觉患上了抑郁症，所以在郁金香里面从来都不缺殚精竭虑思考人生这一盘棋的思想家和哲人，每个人在患病之前都充分考量了人生、阅读了大量灵性方面的书籍，而饱读诗书、学富五车的我只有在这个群体里面才能找到自己的一席之地，一旦被治愈后的我回到正常人的群体，就不得不压抑自己对智慧和知识的渴望重新面对柴米油盐酱醋茶的窘境，所以就算赐给我一百个杀威棒我也勉为其难治愈自己的抑郁症，因为只有得了抑郁症才能进入他们的那个圈子，只有在这个圈子里我才能找到自己存在的意义和价值。

        Any normal person, if remains in dire straits of depression, hopes himself get better as soon as possible and get back to a healthy state of career success and family happiness, but I am just the reverse. If I could make a wish, I am bound to hope that my illness will never be cured, because once it is done, I will have no other choice but to return to the group of normal majorities, as a follower of mainstream values accumulate money for house, spend it to upgrade my car and busy for a nine-to-five job, yet I, if break away from these things, can maximize my value when I am exposed to the group of depressive patients: to make speeches about my philosophical ideas among them, to write a few melancholic and lyrical pieces for them, to cultivate several adept piano players among them. Depression is a disease peculiar to the rich, that is to say one begins to meditate on the meaning of life when he need not worry about food, with these thoughts he strayed into a blind alley and then slipped into depression without consciousness. Therefore, Tulip is never running short of thinkers and philosophies who rack their brains for life, value and meaning. Everyone gave full consideration to life and read a large collection of spiritual books before illness. Only in this group I, a talented, educated and gifted man, am in line for a place for myself. Once I am cured and return to the group of normal majorities, I will have to repress my eagerness for wisdom and knowledge and face to face with the predicament of worldly things. So, I would rather be lashed one hundred times than to get my disease cured, only so can I stay in the depressive group, and only in this group can I find my meaning and value for existence.

        我是黄越青，我永远都抹不掉自己身上那个特殊的标签——抑郁症患者。

        I am Claudio Huang, I can never erase that special tag on my body—a depressive sufferer.